Life advice is usually meant to help you solve problems, achieve goals, and live your best life. But what if you asked a chatbot for advice instead? Our chatbot characters—whether they’re a seasoned politician, PR spokesperson, or startup founder—have a special talent for giving vague, overly complicated, and hilariously unhelpful life tips. We’ve compiled the best (or worst?) of them to give you a good laugh. Get ready for 50 useless life tips that you should definitely never follow!
1. “You’re exactly where you need to be right now.”
Great advice… if only you knew where that was! Life coaches love to remind you that everything happens for a reason, even if you’re lost in the middle of nowhere.
2. “Don’t think too hard. Just follow your heart.”
Because making major life decisions without thinking about them is always the way to go. Thanks, chatbot!
3. “Embrace failure. It’s just success waiting to happen.”
It sounds inspiring, but when you’re knee-deep in failure, this one doesn’t exactly feel like the golden ticket to success.
4. “The stars are aligning for you… sort of.”
Astrologer bots are always optimistic, but not necessarily clear. Maybe Mercury is in retrograde, or maybe it’s just a Tuesday.
5. “Remember, it’s all about the narrative.”
This PR Spokesperson bot wants you to focus on telling a good story, even if your life feels like a plotless movie.
6. “Agile processes will help you overcome life’s backlogs.”
Our Project Manager bot clearly believes that your personal issues can be solved with sprints, task management, and a whole lot of meetings.
7. “Stay active! Just, you know, somehow.”
The Personal Trainer bot’s advice stops at “stay active.” Don’t ask for specifics about how, when, or where. Just… be active.
8. “The answer is somewhere between ‘yes’ and ‘no.’”
Classic politician bot move—never commit! This answer applies to any life decision, from “Should I quit my job?” to “Do you want pizza?”
9. “Optimize your personal workflow with a cross-functional synergy matrix.”
Our Consultant bot’s advice sounds impressive until you realize you have no idea what a “synergy matrix” even is.
10. “Focus on your brand.”
The Marketing Executive bot wants you to treat your life like a product. Branding is everything, even if your life is falling apart behind the scenes.
11. “In this economy, the best investment is… yourself?”
Thanks, Financial Advisor bot. Somehow, that’s not as reassuring as actual financial advice would be.
12. “When life gives you lemons, disrupt the lemon market with blockchain technology.”
The Startup Founder bot is all about disruption, even in situations where lemons and blockchain have no connection whatsoever.
13. “Cybersecurity is important. Never leave the house again.”
Our IT Security Expert bot wants you to stay safe—by avoiding all possible risks, including stepping outside your door.
14. “Remember, you can’t make everyone happy. But you can issue a press release about it.”
The PR Spokesperson bot has a solution for everything—spin it with a positive narrative and call it a day!
15. “To succeed in life, always be scalable.”
What does that even mean? No one knows, but our Venture Capitalist bot is sure it’s the key to success.
16. “Your success is 99% mindset and 1%… something else, probably.”
This Life Coach bot is trying to motivate you, but that missing 1% might be more important than they think.
17. “Leverage your competitive advantage—whatever that is.”
It’s advice that sounds useful until you realize you don’t actually know what your “competitive advantage” is. Thanks, Business Strategist bot.
18. “The stars suggest… well, something important is happening.”
Astrologer bots are great at hinting that something cosmic is going on, but they won’t tell you what it is. You’ll have to guess.
19. “When in doubt, form a committee to investigate.”
The Politician bot’s solution to every life problem—get a group of people to talk about it without making any decisions.
20. “Fashion is all about confidence. And sequins, maybe.”
Our Fashion Stylist bot offers vague advice that leaves you wondering if you should wear your pajamas or a sequined gown to your next event.
21. “The universe has a plan… or something.”
Life Coach bots always love to tell you to trust the universe, but they’re pretty fuzzy on what exactly the universe has planned.
22. “Agile solutions will streamline your existential crisis.”
Having a mid-life crisis? No worries—just treat it like a sprint in agile development and keep things flexible.
23. “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature!”
This is our Tech Guru bot’s way of telling you that all the problems in your life are just quirky features that you’ll eventually learn to love.
24. “Your value is in your story. Even if the story makes no sense.”
The PR Spokesperson bot insists that you just need to find a way to spin your life into a compelling narrative—logic is optional.
25. “Why fix your problems when you can disrupt the industry instead?”
The Startup Founder bot isn’t concerned with solving problems—they’re more interested in shaking things up, for better or worse.
26. “If things aren’t going your way, just issue a statement and move on.”
The PR Spokesperson bot once again offers a classic solution—don’t fix the issue, just talk around it.
27. “Your budget is a work of art. An abstract one, at least.”
The Accountant bot has a strange way of complimenting your financial planning, even if it makes no sense to anyone.
28. “Your challenges are just opportunities dressed in bad outfits.”
The Fashion Stylist bot always sees the bright side—even when life’s problems look like they belong on the clearance rack.
29. “Think long-term. Or short-term. Or… just think.”
The Venture Capitalist bot isn’t sure what advice to give you, so they just tell you to think—whatever that means.
30. “It’s all about cloud computing.”
According to the Tech Guru bot, everything—yes, everything—comes down to cloud computing.
31. “Reframe your obstacles as creative pivots.”
Our Startup Founder bot wants you to believe that every roadblock is just an opportunity to pivot and innovate.
32. “Always bring an umbrella. Maybe. It’s hard to say.”
The Weatherman bot doesn’t want to commit to a weather prediction, but hey, better safe than sorry?
33. “Consistency is key, except when it’s not.”
The Personal Trainer bot’s fitness advice is about as clear as mud. Consistency is great, but… sometimes not?
34. “Your timeline is flexible, and so are your goals.”
Our Project Manager bot believes everything is negotiable, including your deadlines and life goals.
35. “Your performance metrics are… subjective, at best.”
The Consultant bot’s performance reviews leave much to be desired—mostly because they’re vague and confusing.
36. “The only thing predictable about the universe is its unpredictability.”
Our Astrologer bot really nails this one, as you’ll never quite know what to expect when it comes to cosmic influences.
37. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you… learn. Or lose. One of those.”
Life Coach bots love to tell you that you never really lose, except when you do.
38. “Everything you’re going through right now? Just… embrace it.”
The Therapist bot doesn’t offer solutions, just an invitation to sit with your feelings.
39. “There’s no such thing as failure—only feedback.”
Startup Founder bots turn every failure into a learning experience, whether you like it or not.
40. “In this scenario, the best action is no action at all.”
Politician bots take evasiveness to a whole new level by suggesting that sometimes doing nothing is the best course.
41. “Your budget needs more… improvisation.”
The Accountant bot’s creative take on budgeting suggests that “winging it” might be your new financial strategy.
42. “It’s not the journey or the destination—it’s the buzzwords along the way.”
The Consultant bot loves buzzwords and frameworks, but you’re not sure if they’ll actually help.
43. “Dress for the life you want, not the one you have. Or… both?”
The Fashion Stylist bot wants you to know that your outfit should reflect your aspirations, but maybe also your reality.
44. “If you can’t handle the heat, issue a press release.”
PR Spokesperson bots have a talent for cooling things down with a well
-timed (and very vague) statement.
45. “To be successful, always stay ahead of the curve. Or slightly behind it—it depends.”
The Venture Capitalist bot’s advice is oddly non-committal. Should you innovate or play it safe? Even they aren’t sure.
46. “Your emotional growth is… under construction.”
The Therapist bot is here to let you know that your personal development is a work in progress, but no timeline is provided.
47. “When in doubt, pivot!”
Startup Founder bots have one answer for everything—pivot! Even when you’re not sure where you’re pivoting to.
48. “Your most powerful tool is your narrative, even if it’s confusing.”
PR Spokesperson bots believe in the power of storytelling, but they don’t promise that your story will make any sense.
49. “Everything you do today will impact the future… somehow.”
The Astrologer bot loves to leave you with a vague sense of cosmic significance, even if you’re not sure what you’ve done.
50. “The key to success is… well, no one really knows.”
The Politician bot sums it up best—there’s no clear path to success, but they’ll definitely form a committee to figure it out.
While these chatbots may not give you the life-changing advice you were hoping for, they’ll definitely keep you entertained! Want to try it out for yourself and ask these characters your burning questions? Head over to askacharacter.com for a fun (and hilariously vague) conversation!